Love Changes Everything.

when i was young, i used to think i wasn't like any of the other girls around me and i could prove it too. i would wear pants when skirts were called for, i would chase bugs when the others screamed, i hated eating dessert (and still do) and i always always thought i would never let love get the better of me. i was always under the impression that when i fell in love, i would not lose my independence. i would not be needy and clingy and insecure, i would be strong and tough and not let a boy get in the way of how i lived my life. i had a very clear vision of what kind of relationship i wanted and i set about looking for the exact same thing i had in my mind. then i met you. and i loved you. a concept that was foreign to me. you told me that you liked me because i was different, i was independent, that i wasn't a girly girl. so our life began. and it was great. we had our ups and we had our downs. and my life became intertwined with yours. so intertwined that i began to lose myself forgetting who i was and what i set out to be. and slowly things began to unravel like a t-shirt with a loose thread. it was slow but it was evident. recently when things got really tough, you called me out on how i used to be a girl you admired and came to love. my unique nature. that i am no longer the same person. i am now the clingy, needy, insecure girl i never thought i'd be. now i actually care about what people think of me. i care how people view my relationship. i reach conclusions in an impractical and illogical fashion. i would like to point out that you are not wrong. i have changed. yes, i still rebel against wearing heels and i think short hair is cool and i'd still choose pizza over ice cream any day but when you made me love you everything changed. Love changes everything and i don't know why. girls act in irrational ways because we're often so scared of losing the one thing we think we can't live without. if you felt threatened that someone was going to take away your heart wouldn't you be on the alert too? so we hold on tight and don't let go. but this often means we end up losing the one thing we were trying so hard not to. i don't believe i'm the first one to go through this. history has shown that i am not. movies have indicated that the outcome of such affairs are not positive. and yet here we are, girls, constantly making this same mistake. why? because love is not a rational thing to begin with. i so often wish i could make you understand my fear and make you feel what i feel but i can't. because we are 2 different beings. i used to believe that your inability to understand why i do the things i do to keep you meant that i so obviously loved you more (yet another irrational thought process) but now that i can see more clearly, i realize that maybe you were never scared of losing me like i was you because you believed that we were stronger than that. clearly i didn't.

When the time is right, it will happen.

Realisations of love and general inspiring thoughts:

I just wanted to say I think the best people in life are the ones that get brokenhearted, time and time again and can still open their hearts to love after the exasperating pain of heart break. Those are the best kinds of people in life.
The ability to love anything and anyone is a gift. And anyone who hasn't found love yet should not fear, because it's fear that drives you to insanity and worry. But its hope that sends you to belief and opens your heart again to love and for love. And once you've found it, and really found it, Love will never let you down. It will be faithful and kind. Love will be beautiful and unpredictable. And even though I haven't found it, I feel all these things for it. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I can tell you I really do believe In love.

I just wanted to say that to anyone who is going through something right now, because I'm in a state of heart broken heartedness, and over my best friend that I have loved to the core of my soul for about 3 years of my life. But unfortunately he doesn't feel the same. He wants to find something better I presume and I'm not that. I've sometimes felt unworthy of love and inadequate, almost useless. But one day I'm gonna get over it and I'm going to find love and love will find me back. And to those who are broken, it may not seem like it now, but take me for example with such an emotional attachment like mine it cannot be overcome in a day. But I know it's gonna happen for me.

Lol I know this sounds like a motivational talk for everyone but I was just feeling inspired. I just wanted to get one of the nice things I was feeling about love off my chest. But of course I'm angry, hurt and frustrated sometimes, that's a natural emotion just know you should be all driven to smile and be happy with the thought of the hope of love.

And to those who have found love, be happy. Don't let go, hold on tight, because he or she is a keeper. And be inspired by that love, because people like myself who long to find 'the one' envy you and can't wait to be in your position.

But I say to myself everyday when the time is right it will happen.

And it will. ;)

I believe in love, do you?

I want to love. Love you.

Everyday I tell myself that your not longer a big part of me. Sometimes I really believe it, sometimes I actually think that you don't mean a god damn thing to me. Every time that thought appears I feel relieved, I feel less vulnerable, it feels like you can't affect me anymore.

I've repeated this thought so many times that I've almost made it true. At the same time it makes me so freaking scared of moving forward, cause what happens when you stop loving someone? What happens when you someday wake up and realize that this person actually doesn't mean anything to you? How can you manage to go from 1000 to 0. Cause that day will eventually come. The only thing you have left is the beautiful memories that you hopefully will carry with you your whole life. But I'm so afraid of that day coming, because I don't want it to. I don't want it to happen because I want to love. Love you.

Scared I'm Chasing Nothing....

It’s not that I think you’re not important when you don’t have anyone, because I don’t. I truly don’t. I believe you can never really know what you want in someone else until you know yourself – completely and wholly - when you only have yourself to rely on. I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I am proud to say I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself and my surroundings and my feelings and my opinions with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love and my heart. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.

But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?

I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.

AGONY

I am here. I am everywhere
Every place youve been I have waited
Every face youve seen I have worn
I have not one name but thousands
I come on the wings of an epidemic
Of a massacre
A lone scream in the night
Announced by the distant thunder of a war
or the bleat of the slaughtered calf
I visit the dying in their burning skin
Devour the bodies of the sick
I crush the hearts of the hopeful as I dance on the backs of the weak
Your greatest fears are my delight
With your cries you invite me in
I am the betrayal you could not have seen
The killer you thought you knew
One day I will be your mother or your father or your friend
Another day I will be your neighbour, or perhaps Ill work through you
There are monsters hiding in your closet
There are ghosts beneath your bed
The dream you feared was real
Was real
These are gifts to you from me
I love you in my little way
With your suffering I am alive!
Cant you hear the music on the wind?
Dont you recognize the tune?
Is it you my friend, your struggling?
Your spirit torn limb from limb?
But I am not death
Death is your deliverer
Death looks to me with sorrow in his eyes and asks, Why must you do this?
My answer remains unchanged
I do what you cannot
No end is swift under my watch
Mercy is a mistake I correct
I am peace destroyed and eyes forced open
The ragged ring around your neck.
I am your secret wish for others
I am their secret wish for you
I have not one name but thousands
But you... you may call me Agony
And I am pleased to make your acquaintance

Wouldn't trade it for the world...

Relationships come with a lot of tribulations. We fight, we yell, we get jealous, we cry, we feel pain, we hurt, we scream, we get frustrated, we get angry, we get upset, we break up and our emotions take us over. So why do we do it? Why would we want to feel not just sad, but truly hurt, sad to the point where your whole body hurts just because of one person, sad to the point where you feel empty when everything falls apart, sad to the point where your heart aches for the company of that being. I’ll tell you why I do it, its because besides all those moments when your stupidity gets in the way of what your truly feeling and you “fight”, the moments when you are truly loving someone are the most touching, astounding, magnificent moments you will ever experience. When two people are just loving each other its magical. And to those of you who are to scared of getting hurt and too scared of the baggage that comes with relationships, let me tell you this, having someone you love and having them love you back is a feeling that you can not substitute. Having someone look at you with such a deep emotion is remarkable. Having someone touch with so much care brings a feeling of weightlessness throughout your whole body. Having someone whisper they love you feels like they screamed it. Having someone to hold your hand at all times just feels special. Having someone to be your best friend and be loyal to you and never lie to you feels so safe. So yeah, relationships suck, breaking up hurts, but having that someone that you feel so comfortable with, someone that you let inside your soul, someone that lets you inside theirs, someone to talk to at all hours during the day, someone to laugh with, someone to fall asleep with, having someone that is your other half for whatever amount of time you are together, is true beauty and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I pushed you away.

Today I woke up, and I felt empty inside. This isn’t the first time this has happened recently, in fact for the past two months this is how I’ve been feeling every day. I keep trying to pinpoint what is making me feel this way, blaming it on the fact that I hate my job. Then blaming stress, and then blaming anything I could that wasn’t the truth. However the fact of the matter is, I’m feeling empty because the person that I love is miles away.

We met in the strangest way, and our time together was simple and yet so incredible. The few months that we spent together were some of the happiest months of my life. Every time you came to visit me, I felt a kind of happiness that I can’t even explain; and every time you left I counted down the days until I would see you again. I fell for you after only knowing you for a few days, and after that I just continued to fall. I loved the simple text messages you would send me every morning, telling me how beautiful I was and how much you missed me. I loved the way you smelled like cigarettes, I loved your tattoos, and I loved your smile. I even loved your friends; I looked forward to seeing them almost as much as I looked forward to seeing you. You were everything to me, the person who brought me back to life after I had thought my days of loving another were over.

I was so happy that it seemed like nothing could bring me down, but a fear that I knew all too well was creeping up on me, as it had done with all of my past relationships. I was now so afraid of what life would be like without you that I convinced myself that everything would be easier if I ended our relationship before I began to rely on you too much. I pushed you away. I let you go. Now I don’t think I will ever forgive myself.

Time passed, and we stayed in touch. We often made plans to reunite, but of course that never worked out. Before I knew it you were leaving, moving even further away. I told myself that this would be for the best, that I could finally get over you. The funny thing is, now my love for you is even stronger. The boys that I date seem dull, and this makes me miss you even more. These boys can’t make me laugh the way you did, the sight of them doesn’t make me feel like the happiest girl in the world. This is how you made me feel every time I saw you.

We now talk more than we ever did, and everyday I think about telling you all of this. If you felt the same way, I would hop on a plane and fly to wherever you are. I’ve come to realize that my life here is nothing without you. But if your feelings for me are long gone, I don’t think I could handle hearing you tell me this. It would kill me.

So, I’m stuck. I will continue to wake up every day feeling empty and I will carry on with my day-to-day life, until maybe, just maybe, you decide to tell me that I’m not alone in this and that you too have felt empty since we’ve been apart.