Dog House

Apart from losing a family member, breaking up, or being lied to - being cheated on and knowing you weren't worth anything and feeling like shit because the one person who you believed wouldn't hurt you in that way, did - is probably the worst feeling in the world.

I know I deserve better. Way better.

I do appreciate that he had the balls to tell me to my face. Not a lot of people have the courage to do that. The look in his eyes, the tears that streamed down his face, the way his voice sounded - it was all sincere. It was a true apology. An apology that I can not accept - yet. Not until I am 100% sure that he won't ever do this again. Not until he proves to me how sorry he is.

When he had told me, I was in shock of course. I didn't know what to say. I showed no emotion. I just had a blank stare. I didn't know how to react. I froze in place, just having this foul image in my head. I didn't know who I was looking at anymore. He wasn't who I had fallen in love with. He was this monster. This disgusting monster.

I had told my best friend - she said that I should of left him. Before all this he had gotten really drunk and degraded me, talked down to me, disrespected me. I have every reason to leave him. Every reason in the world - but I can't. I just can't. I don't understand why. If you can't control the amount of alcohol you consume, then don't drink at all.

He had better be damn happy and feel pretty fucking lucky to have someone like me in his life. Someone who has so much love in them that they'll take you back even if you took their heart and broke it in a million pieces.

I guess now, he's gotta work 100% more to earn my trust and respect back. He for sure is in the dog house. He's going to be there for a while.

One day at a time...